Negative Upraising

I just realized how negative my uprising actually was. I use uprising as a twisted growing up, mostly without effective parental input, beyond forcing me to work, as I remember it, all the time. I was raised on a farm, where there was a surplus of work, made worse with inefficient work methods, and a cheap - post depression era- parental philosophy.

The religion was so negative. You all are born sinners. 10 commandments... Thou shalt not... 7 deadly sins, Pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, sloth. We worked while the fat priest begged for money, drank heavenly, caroused with a married women. My parents always seemed stressed over something, they were often anger over something, and the disputes over something... months of silence... the isolation... no one but extended family came around... It was just a negative environment to grow up in. We had nothing to be proud of, to tired to lust, and were trained to want money and things. The only excess was food, which I willing consumed. If anyone was eating, there were left alone to eat. We were encouraged by mother to eat, and I grew grossly fat.

There was much good tasting food, wheat based, and sugars, with what ever fats, butter, were required to make it taste good. Southern fried chicken, and wild meat, a pig in the spring and a beef in the fall, Some winters Spam, headcheese, canned chicken, and fish, usually seconds.

I have many negative real and likely implied memories, hence many negative imprinted reactions. Over the years I have let go of many with the help of John Powell`s Misconception theory, but some remain, and likely many more that I am not even aware of yet.

There was no instruction as to what one should be involved in to develop a good attitude. There was just negative shit. I never was encouraged to do anything beyond work, in fact, it was discouraged, devalued, condemned. The best thing I ever did was leave.

The good characteristics, like compassion for self and others was beat out of me, I was taught to be hard on myself and expect brutal amount of physical strength, endurance, and the like from myself, and similar from others. It did not happen, but that was my expectations. Compassion for others and myself is essential, as are the many other positive attitudes; sympathetic joy, equanimity, serenity, inner peace, discerning, perseverance, attentiveness, gratitude, commitment, acceptance, support, authenticity, faith in ones self.

No wonder that I developed a negative outlook. Now, through understanding implied memory and imprint reactions, I can carry on further in overcoming and repairing the damage of automated imprinted reactions.

Big Three Issues

In the development of the human, there are three big concepts. -- A review of my youth 50-60 years ago.

As an infant and as a youth, attachment is critical for our very existence. We are dependent on attachment to our parents/ care-givers. This is the most important relationship in our lives, and we therefore instinctively protect that relationship.  We will do what we must to protect it, and that is in the mind of a child. What we do may not be logical. We will adopt any cooping method to survive, and maintain this relationship, even when it is unhealthy. All other relationships are patterned after that one.

I was subjected to "If you don't do _________, we will send you back to where you came from." This is both implicit memory and real memory. What impact did that have on the development of my authentic self, the second important characteristic? When "Clean your plate" came up, we did. Imprinted reaction, without  a doubt. Now how does one overcome such imprinted reactions? -first- It is just not right for a parent to play our security against an action. That is abuse of power. It does not engender any respect, compassion, kindness, understanding, just distrust, and resentment. No wonder I never missed my parent after leaving home.

The third is emotional isolation, emotional open parents. I was physically isolated, socially isolated, and had no emotional outlet. It is important for children, youths and adults to have emotional support, a place to express how we feel about any subject, without criticism, condemnation, and complaint. As a child, she called me a lot of things. I grew up without emotional outlet or support. As a result, I learned to be silent, and walk away, which translates into fear of people, and toleration of isolation. This is not the authentic self, but the cooping self, the eating self. It is an experience exploring the authentic self at this age, rather than the dutiful, responsible, cheap, money grubbing, isolated, compulsive working person that I had been trained to be.

The nicest conversion I ever had with my mother was the last, perhaps a month before she died, in the hospital, when she was waiting for the nursing home. I was in town for other reasons. She recognized me, and was not instantly criticizing, likely because she could not remember anything. Toward me, she was always biter person, but for anyone else she would do anything. I never understood why, and I just avoided her.

Recovery from imprinted reactions like over eating is not a simple process. If I can retrain myself, the problem should reduce, as well and endeavoring to keep it at bay with OA, with gratitude that I have survive.

Recovered Memorys

During a bit of meditation, I had what can be best described as a recovered memory. This relates to the consumption of food, but the effect of discovering this "memory object" is still unexplored.

Memory objects are real, the event that placed that memory object there may not be real, or what was actually happening, but the effect of a memory object can be real. It is difficult to say that with certainty. As this is a food issue, relating to a "I will show them" attitude, I need to look at at more. I can see how a "I will show them" attitude could drive a overeating period, and if it lasted, became habit, or part of personality, could lead to a weight issue. Oh, I am so contrary in personality.